CG's Castaway Horn Boy
by Rocky and CG
Summary: I'm submitting this fic for my friend C.G. again cuz she's still a wuss. A Slayers style twist of hit Tom Hanks' movie, Castaway, featuring Valgaav!


Cast Away  
(as he will always be)   
  
  
In a foreign country, Val talks to a whole groups of workers.   
  
Val: Ok, you filthy maggots!!! These packages must be delivered and I want them delivered quickly!!! The pace of this DraEx service is terrible. ::growls::   
  
Jiras: ::sweatdrop:: Right, boss.  translates   
  
Val: I want all these packages shipped by noon!  
  
Jiras: translates   
  
Gravos: Don't worry, I'll make sure of it.   
  
Val: Hope so. This is insulting. leaves   
  
Gravos: We better get moving.   
  
Jiras: I know. He was running late once, he kicked a cripple off a bike and stole it to get the package delivered on time. translates   
  
Workers: ::sweatdrop::   
  
Gravos: Geez, what a weirdo.   
  
Jiras: translates  
  
::snicker::    
  
Gravos: Not that!   
-----------------------------------------  
Later on a DraEX plane heading towards the US, Val sips his beer.   
  
Val: I can't believe the workers we have to work but we actually made it.   
  
Amelia: Why are you so mean and cranky all the time? Geez… Everytime I have to work with you it's the same damn thing. The only thing I have to do…  
  
Val: …Is your stupid-ass speech!   
  
Amelia: It works! smiles   
  
Val: And that's why I get the record time.   
  
Amelia: *That's because they're afraid you'll attack them with your horn like the "Running of Bulls", you jackass*   
  
Val: What?   
  
Amelia: Nothing.   
  
Val: So, what do you think, Zel?   
  
Amelia: No! He's doesn't count. He doesn't know anything about the job.    
  
Zel: ::shrugs:: I just make sure they're all here.   
  
Val: Who cares?   
  
Amelia: It's sad that we have to ship out on Christmas Eve.   
  
Val: It's business.   
  
Zel: I have no family.   
  
Amelia: We're holding ours a little later so you can come to mine.   
  
Zel: I dunno. Your family scares me.   
  
Amelia: HEY!!! Oops, I spilled my beer.    
  
Val: My girlfriend is thrilled. ::rolls eyes:: She's cute but knows nothing about business. "Why?" she says.   
  
Zel: Love her don't you?  
  
Val: Yeah. gets up and heads towards the cockpit   
  
Zel: Where are you going? Don't tell me you're asking if they can go faster. ::snicker::   
  
Val: Nooo… ::growls:: knocks Hello?  
  
Lina: What?   
  
Val: Are we still on time?   
  
Lina: Yeah. Geez… sit down. You ask me every damn flight. One of these days, we're just going to fly this baby around in circles to annoy you. Gourry, take over. I'm going on break.   
  
Gourry: Again?   
  
Lina: Yes! I'll be back, co-pilot.   
  
Gourry: Bring back some Twinkies.   
  
Lina: Sure.   
  
Zel: So, they got you working on Christmas too?   
  
Lina: Yep.   
  
Amelia: Awww…   
  
Lina: It's ok. Maybe I can get a Christmas tape and we can play some music on this thing.   
  
Amelia: Cool.   
  
Lina: Here you go, Gourry. … Gourry!   
  
Gourry: What?   
  
Lina: You hid my hat again!  Grrr…   
  
Val: ::groan:: Can't wait.   
----------------------------------  
Filia: Val!   
  
She gets up from her desk and run to him and puts her arms around him.   
  
Filia: I missed you! 3   
  
Val: I missed you too.   
  
Filia: I just got to finish this then I'll be done.   
  
Val: Ok. looks at watch So, what's new around here.   
  
Filia: Nothing much. Getting ready for Christmas, that's all. It'll be at my parents' house.   
  
knock knock   
  
Filia: Yes?   
  
Xellos: Hello there, Filia. I just brought the papers you needed… smiles Hey, look who's finally home!   
  
Val: Hi, Xellos.   
  
Xellos: Come on, it's almost Christmas! Lighten up. Eggnog! ::laughs:: Need I say more?   
  
Val: I have to work on Christmas.   
  
Xellos: Awww… That's too bad. You really need a vacation, you know. You get grumpier by the day.   
  
Filia: He promised we are going to spend New Years Eve together.   
  
Xellos: Isn't that cute? Well, I got to go. Have fun tonight. ::winks:: leaves   
  
Val: ::grumble:: I hate that little twit…   
  
Filia: Let's go… I'm done.  
--------------------------------------  
At the Christmas party, all of Filia's family and Val sit at the table, just blah, blah, blahing away.   
  
Filia: Val, turn off your pager! You look like a vibrator!   
  
Val: Iiiiiii…  dooooo… nooottttttt!!!!   
  
Filia: …  
  
Val: Fine. You know we have to leave soon.   
  
Filia: Yeah…   
  
Mom: Awww… do you have to.   
  
Val: But the dinner is so good that I'm going to take a doggie bag.   
---------------------------------------  
In his jeep at the airport, Val and Filia open their gifts.   
  
Filia: A pager and a cell phone and really nice pottery from all over the world… Thank you.   
  
Val: Great! A pocket watch! It's looks expensive.  
  
Filia: This watch was in my family for several generations. And look inside.   
  
Val: A pic of you! How sweet! I'll make sure to take good care of it.   
  
Filia: I'm glad you like it. kiss   
  
Val: Ok, see you at New Year's.  
  
Filia: Remember your promise.   
  
Val: I know.   
  
He gets out of the car and heads to the plane.   
  
Filia: Wait! I need the keys!  
  
Val: Oh yes. walks backs And I almost forgot. Your real gift.   
  
Filia: Huh?   
  
Val takes a small wrapped box out of his pocket.   
  
Val: Don't open it until I get back, ok?   
  
Filia: Val…   
  
Val: Ok?   
  
Filia: Yes. Hurry back.   
  
Val: I will.   
  
Filia waves goodbye as Val gets on the plane.   
---------------------------------  
Amelia: Awww… you gave her the ring! ::blush::  
  
Val: I know, I know…   
  
Amelia: That is so cute…    
  
Zel: I never thought you would actually get married.  
  
Val: Yeah, well…  
  
Zel: How's it going up there?   
  
Lina calling: Pretty good. Nothing to worry about so far.   
  
Amelia:  I can't wait until this job is over.  
  
Zel: Yeah. I need sleep.   
  
Lina: Are you guys eating these holiday M&Ms?   
  
Amelia: No, I'm too full on eggnog.   
  
Lina: We can have it, Gourry! I'll be right there. I need to stretch a little.   
  
Amelia: So, how was you're Christmas?    
  
Gourry calling: Lina! Come here!!!   
  
Lina: Just a second. I'm taking my break. Don't you dare hide my hat again!   
  
Gourry: I don't like the look of this! ::sweatdrop::   
  
Lina: What? Just wait a second. I'm getting some eggnog.   
  
Val: Are we going to be delayed????   
  
Suddenly, the plane shakes violently for a moment.   
  
Lina: Sh^t!!!   
  
Gourry: ::cries:: LINALINALINALINA…  
  
Lina: ::sweatdrop:: COMING!!!   
  
Amelia: I'll go see if I can help.   
  
Val: Sit down. They know how to handle these situations.   
  
The three sit as the pilots in the cockpit try to correct the situation.   
  
Gourry: WHO THE HELL TOLD US TO TAKE OFF IN THIS WEATHER?!?!?!?  
  
Lina: They said it wasn't supposed to be this bad. SHHHHH*******TTTTTT!!!!!!!!   
  
Gourry: Get it up!!!!   
  
Lina:  I can't!!!!! I can't control it…   
  
Gourry: ::cries:: Mommy…   
  
SSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH*********TTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Amelia: ::cries:: I'm scared.   
  
The plane starts violently shaking again and things are thrown around.    
  
Lina: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELTS AND GRAB SAFTEY RAFTS!!!!!! NOWWWW!!!!   
  
Zel: ::sweatdrop:: Oh crap.   
  
Amelia: Here!!! Grab one.   
  
Val: My watch!!! ::sweatdrop::   
  
Zel: Sit down, dammit!!!   
  
The plane suddenly turns sideways and Amelia smacks  
into the wall.   
  
Amelia: ::screams:: HELP!!!!!   
  
Zel: Amelia, don't move!!! You're bleeding!!!   
  
Val is crawling towards the watch.   
  
Val: I… promised. Get over here, you stupid watch!   
  
Gourry: The engines aren't working!!!! Are we going to die?   
  
Lina: Probably.   
  
Gourry: Damn.   
  
Amelia: ::crying:: Help…   
  
Zel: Amelia, stay there!   
  
The net that was holding a good amount of packages breaks and they all fall on Zel.    
  
Val: Got it!!!   
  
He looks towards the cockpit and sees the water getting closer and closer.   
  
Val: Oh no…   
  
The plane hits and water quickly flows in. Val grabs a raft and dodges many boxes to swim to an opening. He sees that the front of the plane is already well underwater as he looks up. He pulls the cord and the raft pulls him up to the surface. He gets into the raft and watches the rest of the plane go down in flames. He grabs on tightly to the side as the raft gets hits with the storm and giant waves. He wakes up a little before sunrise as his raft hits a rock.   
  
Val: Wha…? An island? Finally!   
  
He grabs his raft and walks along the beach.   
  
Val: HELLO??? ANYONE??? takes out pocket watch Damn! How am I going to know the time? HELLO???? ANYBODY HERE???????  
  
An hour later  
  
Val: HELLO????? Well, I guess no one lives here. I'm starving.   
  
Two weeks go by and Val decided to give up trying to leave the island. He sets up his camp in a cave and learns how to live it instead.   
  
Val: I hate coconuts. Make fire, dammit! I hate coconuts. Spark, dammit!!! I HATE coconuts! Come on fire!!! I HATE COCONUTS!!!!!   
  
Later, he walks along the beach and picks up packages that washed ashore.   
  
Val: rips Clothes. rips Porn. rips A dress. I can use that as a net. rips Porn. rips A volleyball. rips PORN!?!?!?!?! Grrrr… and I don't have a VCR! I'll try to make fire again I guess. It looks so easy in the movies. Spark, dammit!!! ::screams::   
  
The sharp twig he was using to light the wood hit his hand instead.   
  
And yes, things like that do happen b/c this why I have an upside-down Nike scar on my hand  
  
Val: %$#@!!!!!!!! ::screams:: FUDGE THIS WHOLE FUDGING PLACE!!!!! Why does everything bad always happen to me? WHY????? Why am I so cursed???? FUDGE!!!!!!! throws volleyball in a fit FUDGE!!!!!! I'm going to bed!   
  
He goes back to his cave and sits there gazing at Filia's picture in the watch.   
--------------------------------------  
  
The next morning, Val goes back and searching for things to eat besides coconuts.   
  
Val: Huh?   
  
He ponders at the bloody volleyball and then picks it up.   
  
Val: Maybe… Hmmm…   
--------------------------    
Val: So Lord Gaav, do you think I'll finally make a fire today?    
  
The blood-faced volleyball with palm tree leaves for hair just stares at him.   
  
Val: You don't think I can do it, do you? Well, I'll show you!   
  
Gaav: …  
  
Val: SHUT UP!!!!!!!! I WILL!!!!! Watch me! I was just letting the air get at it. See? When I dig a hole  
first… ::laughs:: See? I TOLD YOU!!!!! Now when I put this big branch next to it… REAL FIRE!!!!!! We have fire, Lord Gaav.   
  
Gaav: …  
  
Val: You're just jealous.   
--------------------------------  
Val and Lord Gaav have a huge bonfire that night.   
  
Val: I MADE FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::laughs::   
  
Gaav: …   
  
Val: Yes, we should celebrate! You know, Lord Gaav, I wish there was something I can use as an ultimate tool. Something that will go through coconuts like nothing, something that would cut through anything…  
  
Gaav: …  
  
Val: What do you mean, "I do?" Where?   
  
Gaav: …  
  
Val: looks up Huh?   
  
Gaav: …   
  
Val: WHAT?????   
  
Later in the cave, Val is laying his head down against a boulder and holding a big  rock in his hand.   
  
Val: ::tears:: I know this is going to hurt. Do I have to?   
  
Gaav: …   
  
Val: The horn doesn't look that stupid. ::whimpers::   
  
Gaav: …   
  
Val: Ok… I know, I know. Hopefully it breaks off quickly. One, two… two…  
  
Gaav: …  
  
Val: THREE!!!!   
  
From outside: ::screams:: HOLY %$#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY ME???? FUDGE!!!!!!! ::faints::   
-----------------------  
4 years later, Val stands on the beach with nothing on but a loincloth. He has just speared a huge fish and caught tons of crawfish.   
  
Val: Yes! Oh… it's so hot out here today, right Lord Gaav? I'm so glad I don't get facial hair.   
  
Gaav: …  
  
Val: What? turns What's that?   
  
Val dashes towards the object and pulls it out of the water.   
  
Val: The port-a-potty door from the plane. Hmmmm…   
  
Then he stands it up on the beach and watches it for hours until it falls down.   
  
Val: It can work.   
  
Gaav: …  
  
Val: It's time for me to get off this island.   
  
So for many weeks, Val and his helper Lord Gaav made a big raft out of wood.   
  
Val: Just think Lord Gaav, we'll get off this hellhole!   
  
Gaav: …   
  
Val: Stop being so pessimistic! The time is now!   
  
Val grabs his ex-horn and starts making more rope.   
  
Gaav: …  
  
Val: Almost done! Tomorrow is the day! ::laughs::   
  
Breeze   
  
Val: Dammit.   
----------------------  
Val ties Lord Gaav to the raft.   
  
Val: Do we got everything, Lord Gaav?   
  
Gaav: …  
  
Val: I got it right there.   
  
Gaav: …   
  
Val: Yes. Let's go then.   
  
With the port-a-potty door as a sail, Val is able to get past huge waves and get off the island. But  
unfortunately, there is also a huge storm.   
  
Val: Hang on, Lord Gaav!!! I got you!!!! The storm is our oppressors and we shall never let them win!!!! We will be victorious!!!   
  
The next morning the storm is over.   
  
Val: ::blinks:: We did it!!!!!! ::laughs:: We showed them!!! Lord Gaav?   
  
He turns and sees Lord Gaav floating away.   
  
Val: LORD GAAV!!!!!! COME BACK!!!!!!!   
  
Gaav: …  
  
Val: BUT I NEED YOU!!!! DON'T LEAVE ME!!!! ::sobs:: DON'T LEAVE ME ALL ALONE!!!!! COME BACK!!!!! ::sobs:: PLEASE, COME BACK!!!!! I'M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SORRY, LORD GAAV!!!!!! COME BACK… WAHHHHHH…   
  
3 hours later  
  
Val: Lord Gaav. ::sniff:: Come back. ::sniff:: Why did you leave me all alone? ::sniff::    
  
A whale comes up right next to the raft and sprays him  
  
Val: You're not Lord Gaav, idiot. ::sniff::   
------------------------------  
Val wakes up and hears a loud sound.   
  
Val: A ship! I told you we would make it, Lord Gaav…Why didn't you wait?   
--------------------------  
Ring  
  
Girl: Mom, phone!   
  
Filia: I'll get it. picks up Hello? … ::faints::   
  
Girl: MOM!!!! Daddy!!! Mom fell!   
-------------------------  
Phil: How are you doing?  
  
Val: Adjusting. Living on that damned island for years makes you forget.   
  
Phil: That's amazing how you managed to survive that crash.   
  
Val: I don't know either.   
  
Phil: sad expression It must have been horrible.   
  
Val: It happened so fast. It was quick.  
  
Phil: Yeah. It was a nice funeral and everything.   
  
Val: With a coffin?   
  
Phil: You've been missing for 4 long years. We assumed you were dead like the others.   
  
Val: What was in it?   
  
Phil: So many pagers that the coffin vibrated.   
  
Val: Oh…   
  
Phil: I'm sure you been through a lot these past few but I won't let anyone bother you at the moment. You'll get your life back. Try to enjoy your party.   
  
He leaves as Val quietly sits there and plays with a lighter.   
  
Val: I would enjoy it if it didn't consist of lobster. I want a hamburger for once! Why would I want more lobster?!?!  
------------------------------  
After the little press conference, Val sits in the room alone drinking whiskey.   
  
Val: ::sigh:: Things we take for granted… maybe I was better off on the island. No… I'm just adjusting. That's all. I'm not used to this. Huh?   
  
Xellos: Hello, Val. I'm happy to hear you're ok. Grumpy as ever; I see.   
  
Val: What are you doing here?   
  
Xellos: I came for my wife.   
  
Val: Filia…   
  
Xellos: Yes. She stressed out after all that had happened the past few days. She just can't see you at the moment, you understand how it is right?   
  
Val: Yes. I know.  
  
Xellos: She really wants to see you. Just not now…   
  
Val: I know…   
  
Xellos: Bye, Val. Good luck. leaves   
  
Val: ::groan:: I need another beer… maybe two.   
-------------------------------------------  
Val stands outside Filia's house at night. He is about to knock but Filia opens the door first.   
  
Val: Oh…   
  
Filia: Val… come in.   
  
Val: Nice house.   
  
Filia: Thanks. I got stuff for you. See this map? The plane crashed here and your island was located here.   
  
Val looks at Filia's wedding pictures.   
  
Valthinking: Why am I suddenly feeling nauseous?   
  
Filia: And these are all the newspaper clippings I saved. And here's some of your stiff.   
  
Val: Here.   
  
Filia: The watch?  
  
Val: It doesn't work anymore.   
  
Filia: But I gave this to you.   
  
Val: It belongs in your family.   
  
Filia: Follow me.   
  
She leads him into the garage.   
  
Filia: This jeep is yours.   
  
Val: But…   
  
Filia: Take it, it's your jeep after all. Just a sec, I got to take some things out.   
  
Val: So how have you been?   
  
Filia: Oh… fine. I got married and had a little girl…but…  
  
Val: I know, don't worry.   
  
Filia: Well, bye.   
  
Val: Bye.   
  
Val slowly drives away.   
  
Filia: WAIT!!!!  
  
Val: Huh?   
  
She climbs into the car and starts kissing him.   
  
Val: Filia.   
  
Filia: ::crying:: Val…  
  
Val: You have to go home. It's not with me.   
  
Filia: But…  
  
Val: Ok?    
  
Filia: ::sigh:: I know… Bye, Val.   
  
Val: Bye, Filia.   
----------------------------  
Val is cruising down the highway and in the driver's seat is a brand-new volleyball still in the box.   
  
Val: What should we do, Lord Gaav Jr.? We have our whole lives a head of us. Maybe I should write a book. Make it an inspiration for others.   
  
Gaav Jr.: …  
  
Val: I am NOT a sellout!!!!! Why am I still talking to volleyballs?   
  
Gaav Jr.: …  
  
Val: Sorry. Forgive me please!    



End file.
